Boy Bits - Part 3

I met Zach the summer between my sophomore and junior years of college. (I'm using his real name and not altering his photos because I don't have any contact with Zach anymore, nor do we have any mutual friends.) We were both taking a summer chemistry class at Aurora Community College. (I took classes every summer so I could take a slightly lighter load during the school year.) I thought he was really cute, but I didn't like his best friend, Chris, at all; he was really irritating and omni-present. And I thought Zach's shorts were too short. :) He told me later that he thought I was cute, too, but thought I was married because I wore a silver band on my left ring finger. Hello?!? I was 20 years old! No way!

Zach's fraternity picture

Despite his slightly poor fashion choices, I liked Zach and he obviously liked me, too. We flirted with each other constantly. He made sure to select the lab table behind mine, we'd always hang out during our breaks from class. He also went to CSU and was in a fraternity, but not a fraternity my friends and I frequented, so I'd never seen him up there.

But I could never get him alone. Chris was always there. Except one day when he finally wasn't. Zach walked me out to the parking lot and Chris was suspiciously not there. That's when Zach finally asked me out. He did good - he brought me flowers, took me to dinner, then to a movie. We sat in the car and talked for hours. From then on, we were inseparable. We had so much to talk about. We seemed to be a good match for each other. I was determined to be incredibly open about my past with Zach from the beginning and if it screwed things up, then we obviously weren't meant to be together.

See, Zach seemed to be a bit of a good guy. And not just a nice guy, good guy, but the type of good guy who had never done drugs, didn't really drink, followed all the laws, probably hadn't had one-night stands. The kind of guy who might really look down on a girl who had done those things. I mean, he was incredibly involved in Aurora Teen Court, was planning on going to law school, and wanted to be a prosecutor - wanted to uphold the law. But when I told him about my past, he was actually pretty cool about it. He needed to know that that part of my life was over, but he didn't really judge me about it. He told me he wasn't perfect, either.

Zach and I fell in love. It felt so different to both of us than any of our previous relationships ever felt. We talked about all of our feelings with each other, all of our fears, all our dreams, all our thoughts. We talked about the future - the immediate future when we both moved back up to Fort Collins and the far away future, when we'd get married and be together for the rest of our lives. It wasn't an "if", it was "when" - we were so sure of our future together. We talked about whether we wanted kids or not, which one of us would be in charge of paying our bills, what our dreams for our careers were - literally everything. It was awesome and scary all at the same time.

Zach & I at Kate's cabin for a party weekend

We assimilated into each other's college lives pretty easily. Since we were both Greek, we understood that part, and were able to get our houses to do things together. Our friends got along well, some of my friends even dated some of his friends. We were always together. I spent more nights at his house than my own. We had an amazing sex life. :) We were very passionate about each other. He would write me pages-long love letters and send me cards and flowers all the time. He was a great boyfriend by my standards.

Our biggest problem was jealousy. I've always been a jealous type, but had never been on the other end of the emotion. Zach's jealousy was very difficult for me to deal with. The first big fight we had was when an old friend of Zach's (who happened to be a member of the fraternity where I had "kissed" a lot of the guys I've mentioned before) told Zach, in graphic detail, about some of my hijinks there. It was at a party and Zach was drinking, he was hurt and probably a little embarrassed to hear about his girlfriend's behavior, even if it was way in the past. And though I had told Zach about my past, I didn't go into the kind of detail Jason did. Why would I? Nobody wants or needs to hear that shit about their current girlfriend. I still don't know why Jason told him. Anyway, when I got to the party, Zach was drunk and pissed. He yelled and screamed. I think he was pissed that his good friend knew about my past indiscretions. Not that I in fact had past indiscretions - but that his friend knew.

His way of "getting back" at me was to flirt with another girl at the party, Josette. (The only reason why I remember her name is because I knew her growing up.) She would continue to flirt with Zach past that night, either not realizing how serious we were or not caring. It pissed me off to no end. She was a constant thorn in my side.

The other bad jealousy situation happened at my sorority formal. Some of my sorority sisters ended up going with Zach's brothers; I think we ended up with a group of eight. Both Ben and Jarell were there platonically and just wanted to have fun. Anybody who knew me back then knew that I loved to dance and would do so at every opportunity. Zach - not so much. So I danced up a storm with Ben and Jarell this night, giving Zach a seriously unnecessary case of apoplexy. He was so pissed that it was ridiculous. He made me cry right there at the dinner table and I sat with him for the rest of the night, not dancing, not really having fun. (In some of the other photos, you can tell I've been crying and he's got a death grip on me.)

In the limo on the way to my sorority formal

But we had a ton of fun together. We went to parties, date functions, sorority and fraternity formals together. We went on trips together - to Kate's cabin with a huge group of our sorority sisters and his fraternity brothers, we went to Salt Lake City to visit his mother. We spent lots of time with our families in Denver. We did the whole 21st birthday hoopla with each other and then took care of each other in the aftermath.

Mormon Temple grounds in Salt Lake City

Zach became my best friend as well as my lover and constant companion. I really couldn't imagine my life without him. Things were good, I felt complete. I think he felt complete, too.
 

                                                                               

Visiting Zach's Mom in Utah

But then came the night that almost destroyed us.

I was sleeping at his place and he came home from a night out with the guys. He was drunk. Probably more so than I'd ever seen him before. He kept trying to have sex with me and I wasn't interested since he was so wasted. I tried to leave and he hit me. It wasn't exactly a punch and it wasn't exactly a slap. It wasn't on my face, it was on my arm. It shocked me more than it hurt. I don't think he would have done anything more serious, but I wasn't sticking around to find out. I left Zach crying and begging me to stay.

When I got back to my sorority house, I went straight to Kate's room, crawled into bed with her, and cried to her until I fell asleep. 

The next day, our shared phone rang off the hook with Zach calling constantly. We finally had to turn it off. I went about my day, distraught about what happened, but determined to not talk to him. He started calling the house phone, but I wouldn't take his calls. He even showed up at the house, but I wouldn't go downstairs to talk to him. Nobody but Kate knew what happened, so I'm sure the situation was confusing to all the girls. 

I think it took a day or two, but Zach eventually sent Ben to talk to me. Ben said Zach was confused, didn't remember what happened other than we argued and I left him, and now I wouldn't talk to him. When I told Ben what happened, he was shocked and apologetic for Zach. 

Eventually, Zach and I got together to discuss what happened. He was a disaster. My not talking to him was slowly killing him. He promised to never let anything like that happen again. He loved me, he didn't want to hurt me. Now, I know this is what every abuser tells the object of his abuse, but  we were different. I truly believed it wouldn't happen again and we stayed together.

Zach never hit me again. Violence was most definitely not a part of our relationship. (This is not a story I've told many people.)

Zach's formal

We got through the rest of the year and decided that we both wanted to stay in Fort Collins for the summer. Kate and I decided to move into his fraternity house, under the guise of sharing a room, but really I was living with Zach and Kate lived next door.

One of my favorite memories is from that summer. The Delt house had really narrow, but really tall bedrooms. All the guys had lofts where their beds were and living rooms down below. That meant our bed was right under the roof. One night it poured. I mean, a serious get-your-Ark, crazy loud thunderstorm. Zach and I were cozy in bed together, listening to the rain for hours, in each other's arms. It was amazing to be so close to the sound of the rain, but feel completely safe. I love falling asleep to the rain even today.

Kate and I planned to go to England for something that summer (class of some sort?), but I didn't want to be away from Zach, so I backed out of the trip. Instead, Zach and I got engaged. I knew it would happen eventually, just not as soon as it did. We had looked at rings. He'd already lavaliered me and given me diamond earrings, but I was more than a little surprised when he proposed.

We were celebrating our anniversary with a nice dinner and some quality time in Denver. He'd given me a gift of perfume, and like a spoiled brat, I was a little disappointed. I'd expected jewelry of some sort. Zach wanted to walk around a park that had a special place in his heart, but it was pouring rain, so we cuddled in the car instead. He was acting very weird, which I can now chalk up to nervousness. Eventually, he decided the rain wasn't going to stop and we should just make a run for it to the gazebo in the middle of the park. I literally asked him if he was crazy, to which he told me to be nice.

So, like a good girlfriend, I followed his crazy-ass through the pouring rain to the gazebo. He was so happy that we were out there. Well, until another couple sought refuge from the rain under the same gazebo. Zach very loudly bitched and moaned about their presence and gave them the stink eye until they left. Finally we were alone.

Zach stood in front of me and asked me to close my eyes. Then he told me all the things he loved about me, about us, told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and then asked me to marry him. My eyes popped open and he was down on one knee in front of me holding a beautiful engagement ring. I was shocked, flabbergasted, excited... all the other emotions one might have in this situation. Of course I said yes. We were both crying and kissing, Zach picked me up and hugged me until I couldn't breathe. He had done the traditional thing and asked my parents for permission a couple weeks prior. How I missed that, I'll never know. On the drive back to Fort Collins we called our loved ones to tell them the good news.

We knew we were going to wait for a while to get married. One, we wanted to graduate first, so that meant we for sure were going to wait for at least a year. Two, we then decided that we didn't want to have too many humongous life changes all at once - both of us graduating, Zach starting law school, me starting a job, and getting married - so we decided that we'd get married two years from our engagement. A long time to be engaged, I know.

At the end of the summer, we decided we didn't want to be apart, we still wanted to live together. Though it wasn't an issue for Zach, my sorority required everybody to live in. Instead of figuring out a way to make it work, I deactivated from my sorority so that we could get an apartment together. Quitting the sorority would prove to be one of the worse mistakes of my life.

I essentially had nothing besides school and Zach to take up my time anymore. I didn't have the girls, the house, all of the extracurricular activities that had once kept me busy. I relied on Zach for the majority of my social activities. It wasn't good for us.

Zach started pulling away from me and all the responsibility. And the more he did, the more I held on to him. Which pushed him away even more. It was a vicious cycle. Eventually, he decided he needed more space and moved out. Then he decided he needed more freedom, needed to "live" more, wanted to date other people, so we broke up.

I've already talked about the depression I went through and the details of our break-up, so I won't go through all that again. It was a very tough time for me.

Eventually we both graduated and went our separate ways. I found out that he married the girl he dated immediately after me. They got married before he and I had planned to get married. A couple years later, I found out that they divorced. He and I got in contact after that. This was before the days of Facebook and I think we found each other on classmates.com. He told me all about his and Amber's break-up - she couldn't handle being in California, away from her family, while he went to law school. He told me that he held onto my engagement ring for some reason and then Amber found it and had a hissy. He never knew what she did with it, but he still had to pay the thing off. (Teehee!)

He told me that he wished we had stayed together because our relationship was so awesome; the best he'd ever had. He thought we would have made it work. If he'd married me, we wouldn't have gotten divorced. I didn't agree and told him so. I told him that I think we would have ended up divorced, too.

We stayed in touch for a while, but then we both started dating other people and late night phone calls with your ex-fiance just isn't kosher. So, while we very, very occasionally emailed, we essentially lost touch.

After another year or so, I ended up emailing him about some news story about his fraternity. I got a response back from a woman named Jessica, claiming to be Zach's new wife. She wanted to know who I was and essentially asked me to go away. She and Zach were happy newlyweds, were buying their first house, and she didn't want me to be in contact with him anymore. I respected her wishes.

Then came Facebook, and like any ex-girlfriend would, I looked Zach up. I wasn't going to "friend" him, I just wanted to see what he looked like nowadays. His picture is with his wife. But her name isn't Jessica. And they only recently got married. Way after that whole email/Jessica situation. So, it looks like he's on his third marriage. Which, honestly, I think is kind of icky. And it makes me even more positive that we wouldn't have worked out. I just don't know that he has it in him.

I actually held onto the love letters and cards that Zach gave me. My sister asked me why I'd want to have those memories and I told her that they make me realize how good a relationship can be, how much two people can love each other, how well someone once treated me. Though our relationship didn't end up great, it really was awesome for a while. And that's what I want again. That kind of love is what I want to find and experience again.

Emmy's Fashion Review - Part 3

Let's get this thing wrapped up, shall we?

This here is Allison Williams, she's on Girls and is Brian Williams (from NBC Nightly News) daughter. She's super cute and I really like her character on the show. This dress is fabulous on her. I absolutely love the color and it's incredibly flattering to her body. It's not wrinkled like some other taffeta dresses. I like the on-trend peplum and though it's not gotten great reviews, I like the sculptural bodice, too. Good job for her first awards show.

Oh my gawd, My Girl is all grown up! This is Anna Chulmsky, can you believe it?!? How fabulous does she look?!? I think this grey lace dress is stunning on her. Not too young, not too old, just the right amount of maturity for her. It fits her really well, it's not showing an obscene amount of cleavage or leg. The young starlets who are still growing up in the industry should use this as a guide of how to dress for the red carpet as they grow up. I  also really like the scalloped train that follows the design of the lace. But, I don't like her shoes. I think they're a bit boring and too light of a color.

I love Kerry Washington. She seems genuinely nice. If you haven't watched her show Scandal, you should check it out. It's smart, fast-paced, drama-filled, fun. This dress didn't photograph very well, but when it was in motion on the red carpet, it was stunning. I love the blingy-ness and the color was very nice with her skin tone. I think her hair was a little boring, but I agree with the minimalist jewelry since the dress was so sparkly.

More sparkles! I don't love this dress on Jane Krakowski. I think she looks like she's suffocating and can't move her torso because it's way too tight on her. But I think the dress itself is stunning. I love the color. I love how the size of the beading/sequins goes from small at the top to large at the bottom. I think it's really successful and beautiful design. Gorgeous! Sparkly!

I don't love this dress on Lena Dunham, of Girls. I think it's frumpy and not the most flattering thing she could have chosen. (It looked especially bad from the side.) But I do love her hair and makeup. One of my gripes with her on the show was her unflattering hair and makeup. Now she's cut her hair into a cute almost pixie cut and highlighted her eyes nicely. I hope she does more of this on the next season of her show.

Lucy Liu's dress has gotten a range of reviews. I loved it. I loved how different it was (it was metal!), I liked the structure of it, I actually thought it made it more interesting that it was essentially see through. But not grotesquely so, really you could see her legs when light would shine through the skirt. It was just sexy and revealing enough. I like her curled side pony tail - simple but not boring. Well done!

I haven't seen Sarah Paulson here in a long time, but I've always loved her and don't think she gets enough credit as an actress. Her hair is darker now and I think it looks great on her. And though I'd like to hike the dress up an inch on her chest, I really like it. I like the black belt, I like the color, I like the appliqued flowers on the tulle. It's just the right amount of detail and volume. The accessories are appropriate. Nicely done, Sarah!

Again, I've heard the gamut of reviews for Sofia Vergara's dress. Some people thought it was the same-old, same-old for her. Yes, we know you have a great body and dresses fit you spectacularly, blah blah blah. But others, me included, love it. I actually think it is a little different for her. She doesn't usually wear a completely beaded dress, nor does she wear straps like this. She seems to like silk and satin and strapless or one-shoulders. And though everything she wears on the red carpet fits her stunningly and she doesn't shy away from showing her body, this seems somehow slinkier than her usual. I absolutely love the color and the details in the beading. And I think the peak-a-boo cut-out on the back is super sexy. But she's completely contained, she's not showing too much. (Except for when the zipper broke and she exposed her ass!) Overall, it's one of my favorites.

My second most favorite dress was Nicole Kidman's. Besides her, only Gwyenth Paltrow could have pulled this off. She wears the column sheath like it was made for her, the bright white is flawless, and I love the detail on the front. I liken it to angel wings. Really, really gorgeous in general, and on her. I like that the rest of her is simple, from her hair to her jewelry. I don't think you need much more with this.

And lastly, my favorite of the night. Ginnifer Goodwin's funky-fun, beautiful orange concoction. I love the vine/flower-like applique in orange on nude. I think this was the most successful of the high-low hemlines. I think her accessories contrast nicely - the gun metal color a nice counterpoint to the orange. I actually even like her shoes, though some have thought they're too matchy. I'd rather they match than be wrong or ugly. The fit was fabulous and Ginnifer has just enough attitude to pull this dress off. Well done, Ginnifer!

That's it, that's all! Well, until the next awards show!

Emmy's Fashion Review - Part 2

Let's start with some of the guys today. Johnny Galecki here looked pretty dang good. I definitely wouldn't have wanted to be wearing a velvet tux jacket because it was 100+ on the red carpet, but since it was officially fall, he looks good. And I really like the blue. I like that it's a change from the usual.

I also really like Harry Shum Jr.'s take on the tux. The burgundy shirt is a nice way to differentiate himself from the sea of white shirts. He looks quite dapper. Nicely done.

I think John Cryer might have been my favorite, though. The grey tux with black lapels is extremely dashing. Plus, plus, also, and... I LOVE his plaid tie. LOVE it with a passion. And how cute was his bumbling, unexpected acceptance speech? Thank you, Duckie. We still love you.

I didn't appreciate Kevin Costner's different take, though. I think he looks sloppy without a tie and his shirt is unbuttoned too far. He's too tan and his hair is a weird yellow color. Is it for a film? For his new show? Regardless, he looks wrong.

Now for some more ladies. Elizabeth Moss here was taking a big chance and I don't think it was entirely successful. Floral is a big trend for fall and the multi-level hem has been around for a season or two already, but I don't think this all works well together here. Maybe there's too many ruffles? Also, I'm not a fan of her hair this light. She's so washed out.

I know we can all agree that Heidi Klum is beautiful and has a stunning body. But this is just too much - too much boob, too much leg. When I first saw this, it was from the side and I thought it was great. Really good color on her and I was okay with the amount of cleavage, but when she started moving - WHOA! Over-exposed!

Jena Malone (remember her from Stepmom with Julia Roberts?) has gotten mixed reviews for this dress, but I mostly like it. I think the color is great for her, I like her hair, I like her shoes, I think the silhouette of the dress is flattering to her body. Yes, the detail at the bodice might be a little busy, but since she's left the accessories near the bodice to a minimum, it works for me.

I absolutely hate with a passion this dress on Hayden Panettiere. I think it's hideous. And I think it would be hideous on anybody, though it would be better on a 60-year old versus a 20-year old. The color of the sheer is okay, but the execution is ugly and the crinkly gold under-dress looks cheap. She is a seriously cute, young girl, with a great bod. This is not doing her justice. She can do much better.

Julia Louis Dreyfus has gotten great reviews for this dress, but I didn't really like it. I don't like the molded boob cups and it seemed a little tight. When she went to accept her award, she could barely walk up the stairs. Also, I hate her hair like this. The center part is not flattering to her face. And lastly, I don't like the color of her earrings. She was obviously going for a Grecian goddess kind of look and the earrings don't help accomplish that at all. The dress does have some pretty detailing on the train though, and it's a pretty color.

Another example of the floral trend not really working for formal wear on Julianna Marguiles. The fabric just seems too thick, too stiff here. Though, hello my favorite pockets!

I love the color of Julianne Hough's dress, but I don't think it's the prettiest dress. And it definitely needs another inch or two of bodice. I feel like it's going to expose her nipples at one wrong move. But I absolutely LOVE the detail at the bottom of the dress. Kind of like feathers. I think it's really artful and pretty.

Kat Dennings here looks generally good. I like the color of the dress and her lipstick. But this is WAY TOO MUCH boob. Another accident waiting to happen. Plus, the gathering at her belly, below the empire waist is superfluous and adds visual weight where no girl wants/needs to add weight. It would be so much better without that. Also, STOP with the center part people! It's not the most attractive place to part your hair! It elongates your face unnecessarily.

Stay tuned for part three and my favorite dresses of the night!

Emmy's Fashion Review

I had to watch the red carpet and the Broncos game at the same time this year. The game sucked, but I couldn't turn it off, kind of like an accident - you can't not look! Because of that I missed some dresses and actually had to watch the show, which was painful, but I did it. Just so I could see the dresses. :)

Let's start with the brights - Julie Bowen wore a fun highlighter bright dress. I liked it. I thought it was a daring color that she pulled off nicely. I think the top didn't fit her correctly, but the rest of the sort-of deconstructed gathers were fun and different. Her hair was a bit of a disaster, though. Messy and beachy and I didn't like it for this event.

Next up -Leslie Mann. Another dress I love. I think the mandarin color of the skirt is fabulous and I like the white/nude beaded top. I think if the dress was color up to the top it wouldn't be as successful. I also love the pairing of the chunky turquoise jewelry with it, although the designer of the dress didn't. Also - POCKETS!!! Love a dress with pockets.

I love the color and the ombre effect of Nancy O'Dell's dress, but I absolutely HATE the gold lightning strip that punctures it and holds it up. I think it's unnecessary. Also, I think Nancy needs to stop tanning so much.

I first saw Julianne Moore's dress from far away on the red carpet and just saw the top. I loved it. I thought it was one of those simple Calvin Klein jersey dresses and would just skim her body in a simple line to the floor, but in a totally funky fun color, which seems like an acid yellow/green. Then during the show I saw the rest. I'm not a fan. I think the two parts of the dress don't go together well. I don't like the high, high waist without any kind of interesting detail. I don't like the heavy-ness of the skirt with the long sleeves and high neck. I think it would be much more successful if it was all one fabric. But the color looks fabulous on her.

Padma Lakshmi's dress was a beautiful color and fit her stunning figure perfectly, but I think the overall effect is a little boring. There's no interesting jewelry or cool clutch. You can't even see her shoes. I think she could have done better.

Now for some of the most boring dresses. Christina Hendricks. Jeez. She needs some help dressing her body. And if somebody is helping her, they need to be fired. Her boobs were popping out of this thing. and it seemed too tight on her hips, like it was bunching weirdly when she wasn't standing exactly like this. (See the weird bubble right behind her clutch at her thigh.) And this has got to be one of the most boring non-colors ever. It's not that flattering on her. She's too pale to pull this off. Either she needs to be in saturated color or pure white, but this nude/silver color is not her friend. I do like the belt though.

Emily VanCamp here is wearing her grandma's dirty dishwater 100-year-old curtains. Girl, you are young and beautiful. Wear something that highlights those facts. Gauzy grey blah is not good enough.

Kristen Wiig obviously thought she was going to a different event. She's wearing what equates to a bridal nightgown and suede pumps that would look good at the office. The dress is too casual for this event and not a good (non) color for her. Boring. The length just adds to the not-right-ness. The shoes are not red carpet worthy, nor do they do anything for the dress/nightgown. Her hair is her normal boring regular. C'mon. You can do much better than this.

Stay tuned for more soon!

Review of "If I Stay" by Gayle Forman

Description from Goodreads:

In a single moment, everything changes. Seventeen-year-old Mia has no memory of the accident; she can only recall riding along the snow-wet Oregon road with her family. Then, in a blink, she finds herself watching as her own damaged body is taken from the wreck...
A sophisticated, layered, and heart-achingly beautiful story about the power of family and friends, the choices we all make, and the ultimate choice Mia commands.

I read this short little YA book yesterday and was so, so touched that I had to write a review of it. I had wanted to read this book for a while; it was on my to-read list forever, but for some reason I didn't download it until recently. (It was released in 2009) 

The premise of this book is a little strange for a book that is not other-worldly - Mia watches the aftermath of a devastating accident from outside her body. She follows herself as she is transported in the ambulance, the helicopter, as she undergoes surgery, as her family comes to her bedside in the ICU. But she's not completely tied to her body, she wanders around the hospital and can sit with her family in the waiting room or the hospital cafeteria and hear what they have to say.

One of the nurses watching over her tells her family, "Don't you doubt for a second that she can hear you. She's aware of everything that's going on. You might think that the doctors or nurses or all this is running the show. Nuh-uh. She's running the show. Maybe she's just biding her time. So you talk to her. You tell her to take all the time she needs, but to come on back. You're waiting for her." It's like the nurse knows that Mia is watching all of this and she's the one who has to decide if she wants to stay.

Moments in the hospital are interspersed with flashbacks to moments of Mia with her loved ones - her parents and grandparents, her cutie little brother Teddy, her best friend Kim, and her boyfriend Adam. These memories are how we really get to know Mia. It helps the reader understand why she might chose to stay or go. It's really heart wrenching.

I honestly cried throughout this whole book. I couldn't stop. It was really moving. One of the parts that made me cry a lot was when her usually taciturn grandfather is by her bedside in the hospital and he says to her, "It's okay. If you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my  life. But that's what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's okay if you have to leave us. It's okay if you want to stop fighting."

That's the really tough part about this kind of situation. You know you don't want the person to go, you want them here with you. You can't imagine your life without them. But you know their life will probably be easier if they go. To realize it, to admit it, to be willing to say goodbye is the hardest part for the ones left behind.

Another reason that I really appreciated this book is kind of weird. Though it's a little morbid, I've always  wondered what it would be like at my own funeral. How would my family and friends take it? What kind of funeral would I be given? Though this is not Mia's funeral, she watches how her family and friends react to her accident, her potential death. It's a similar premise. Very interesting.

I won't tell you how the book ends, what Mia decides, that's just too much of a spoiler. The end of the book is a little sudden, but generally well done. I would've been okay with it ending there, but there is a follow-up book, Where She Went. 

This one picks up about four years after the accident and is narrated by Mia's old boyfriend, Adam. It deals with the aftermath of Mia's accident and how he's dealt with it, how it's affected him. He's one screwed up guy. His head is a mess and it's difficult to read about him like that, when he seemed like such a strong guy in the first book. I think it's definitely worth it to read the second book. To know what's happened. This book also goes back and forth between present day and past memories, though they're all told from Adam's perspective this time. I think the author did a relatively good job of speaking in another narrator's voice. 

Though these books are Young Adult, they didn't completely feel like that. Some YA is cleaned up, not real-life enough, a little sanitary. These really aren't. Some of the characters have true-to-their-age conversations and thoughts, but the overall subject matter is much more than that - bigger, for all ages. The characters use curse words when appropriate to the situation. They say "fuck" or "shit" when a real person might use "fuck" or "shit". It makes it realistic. They are relatively short, easy reads. I read both of them in one day. But so, so good. I'll read them again after I've recovered from all the crying I did. :)

Ch...ch...ch...changes...

Lots of changes happening. Lots of changes. Some are sort-of okay. Some are seriously not okay. But I don't have control over it all, so I just have to roll with it right now.

First big change - I'm moving out of my apartment. It's definitely not my first choice, but it's what I have to do. My lease was up and when I got my renewal information, I saw they'd raised my rent. Again. I've lived here for three years and they've raised the rent every year, without making any significant improvements or changes. For example, since the day I moved in, my windows have been pieces of shit. I've complained and complained. Asked them to repair them, asked them to replace them. Other units have gotten new window, but never me. Not cool. In fact, I'm completely ghetto right now because I have a rolling pin holding open the window in my bedroom. Really. In addition to that, they cut down a bunch of 30+ year old trees a couple years ago and never planted anything new to take their place. Then, my complex was sold. The new owners got rid of all of the leasing staff that I had gotten to know pretty well over the past few years. The communication to residents became really sub-par. Even some of the maintenance people complained about the changes.

So, I don't really feel like paying more for the same old thing. Plus, with my job situation the way it is, I can't afford to pay more right now. I went in to the office to chat with them about moving to one of the larger one bedroom units. The unknown, unfriendly man was basically unwilling to find/make something work for me. My years of being a good resident meant absolutely nothing to this new guy working for the new owners. He told me that nothing was available, and even if something did become available, I'd have to pay a large transfer fee to change units. If that something became available before my current lease was over, I'd either have to pay to break my lease on my current unit, or pay the rent for both units until my current lease was over. I was shocked! You'd think they'd be more willing to work something out with a long-time, good resident. But, nooooo.

I told them I'd be moving out. I had no idea where I was going to go, but I definitely wasn't staying. I generally like the location of my apartment. It's really central to every place I go. And the rent is quite reasonable. Or at least it was.

Then John, the boss man, finalized his sabbatical plans. He's going to go to St. Lucia for the last three months of the year to "figure things out". He asked me to stay in his house while he's gone. Though my lease doesn't end until after he's already gone, I decided to go ahead and stay there. I won't have to pay rent for those couple months, though I will pay his utilities. I guess I'm just going to put all of my belongings into storage while I'm living there. Though, of course, I'm having trouble deciding what kind of storage option I want to use.

It will be interesting to live there. It's obviously much larger and much nicer than my current living arrangement. He's got a great kitchen, a big yard. But it's also a little like living in a museum. Some of his things are quite expensive and I don't want to touch them. Some of those expensive things are not exactly comfortable. I won't have cable tv there (eeekkk!), which will be incredibly difficult (ridiculous, I know). I know I can watch some shows on Hulu and dvds (he does have a tv). But I'm kind of a news junkie and watch numerous news shows every day - local news a couple times a day, the Today show, NBC Nightly News. Are any of those things available online? Live streaming of local news? And I often have the tv on just for noise while I'm doing other things. I know I could turn on the radio, but it's just not the same.

I have no idea where I'm going after that.

Not knowing, not having a plan is really difficult for me.

The other big change - and the most distressing one - is that with John going on sabbatical, I'm essentially losing my job. For almost six months I've been working part-time, but now my job will be going away almost completely. He told all of our clients that he's going away and that any big needs/projects to wait until he's back next year. He told me that while he's gone, he won't be able to sustain even the 16-20 hours per week I'm working now. He might need me to do a couple things now and then, but he thinks they can be accomplished in the evenings or on the weekend. (I'm not sure how that can work exactly if I'm trying to communicate/coordinate with people who work regular M-F, 9-5 jobs.) There is no guarantee that this job, this company will be available/around even when he comes back.

So, that's huge. I guess it's a good thing I won't have rent to pay for a couple months. But there are other bills that I need to pay. I need to have some income.

I've been looking for a different job for six months now. Originally, I was attempting to change careers, trying to get into the Recruiting field. It has proven very difficult. My Junior League experience doesn't mean anything or isn't enough to the people who want somebody with experience. But then my 14 years of career experience (even in a completely different field) makes me unattractive for entry-level jobs. Even when I know somebody, think I have an "in", it doesn't net me anything.

Because I haven't been able to make that work yet, I've also been looking for a different design job. And I haven't had much luck there, either. I'm trying all my contacts, all my connections, working all the angles. I always seem to be too late for the most promising options. Or, the options pay so little that I'm unwilling to commit to them. Yes, I realize that some money is better than no money, but it is so difficult to say yes to something that won't even completely pay the bills. I've got a few leads left that I'll work this week, but who knows.  I hope something comes up soon. I need something to come up soon.

There you have it. I don't know where I'm going to work. I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills. I don't know where I'm going to live. Lots of unknowns. Not fun for a control freak like me.

Supporting our President

"When it comes to the health of our families, Barack refused to listen to all those folks who told him to leave health reform for another day, another President. He didn't care that it wasn't the easy thing to do politically...He cared that it was the right thing to do. He did it because he believes that here in America, our grandparents should be able to afford their medicine, our kids should be able to see a doctor when they're sick, and no one in this country should ever go broke because of an accident or an illness. 

AND he believes that women are more than capable of making our own choices about our bodies and our healthcare. 

That's what my husband stands for."

-First Lady, Michelle Obama @ the Democratic National Convention, September 4, 2012


This is one of the main reasons why I support our President, Barack Obama. (extra emphasis is all mine)