Emmy's Fashion Review - Part 2

Let's start with some of the guys today. Johnny Galecki here looked pretty dang good. I definitely wouldn't have wanted to be wearing a velvet tux jacket because it was 100+ on the red carpet, but since it was officially fall, he looks good. And I really like the blue. I like that it's a change from the usual.

I also really like Harry Shum Jr.'s take on the tux. The burgundy shirt is a nice way to differentiate himself from the sea of white shirts. He looks quite dapper. Nicely done.

I think John Cryer might have been my favorite, though. The grey tux with black lapels is extremely dashing. Plus, plus, also, and... I LOVE his plaid tie. LOVE it with a passion. And how cute was his bumbling, unexpected acceptance speech? Thank you, Duckie. We still love you.

I didn't appreciate Kevin Costner's different take, though. I think he looks sloppy without a tie and his shirt is unbuttoned too far. He's too tan and his hair is a weird yellow color. Is it for a film? For his new show? Regardless, he looks wrong.

Now for some more ladies. Elizabeth Moss here was taking a big chance and I don't think it was entirely successful. Floral is a big trend for fall and the multi-level hem has been around for a season or two already, but I don't think this all works well together here. Maybe there's too many ruffles? Also, I'm not a fan of her hair this light. She's so washed out.

I know we can all agree that Heidi Klum is beautiful and has a stunning body. But this is just too much - too much boob, too much leg. When I first saw this, it was from the side and I thought it was great. Really good color on her and I was okay with the amount of cleavage, but when she started moving - WHOA! Over-exposed!

Jena Malone (remember her from Stepmom with Julia Roberts?) has gotten mixed reviews for this dress, but I mostly like it. I think the color is great for her, I like her hair, I like her shoes, I think the silhouette of the dress is flattering to her body. Yes, the detail at the bodice might be a little busy, but since she's left the accessories near the bodice to a minimum, it works for me.

I absolutely hate with a passion this dress on Hayden Panettiere. I think it's hideous. And I think it would be hideous on anybody, though it would be better on a 60-year old versus a 20-year old. The color of the sheer is okay, but the execution is ugly and the crinkly gold under-dress looks cheap. She is a seriously cute, young girl, with a great bod. This is not doing her justice. She can do much better.

Julia Louis Dreyfus has gotten great reviews for this dress, but I didn't really like it. I don't like the molded boob cups and it seemed a little tight. When she went to accept her award, she could barely walk up the stairs. Also, I hate her hair like this. The center part is not flattering to her face. And lastly, I don't like the color of her earrings. She was obviously going for a Grecian goddess kind of look and the earrings don't help accomplish that at all. The dress does have some pretty detailing on the train though, and it's a pretty color.

Another example of the floral trend not really working for formal wear on Julianna Marguiles. The fabric just seems too thick, too stiff here. Though, hello my favorite pockets!

I love the color of Julianne Hough's dress, but I don't think it's the prettiest dress. And it definitely needs another inch or two of bodice. I feel like it's going to expose her nipples at one wrong move. But I absolutely LOVE the detail at the bottom of the dress. Kind of like feathers. I think it's really artful and pretty.

Kat Dennings here looks generally good. I like the color of the dress and her lipstick. But this is WAY TOO MUCH boob. Another accident waiting to happen. Plus, the gathering at her belly, below the empire waist is superfluous and adds visual weight where no girl wants/needs to add weight. It would be so much better without that. Also, STOP with the center part people! It's not the most attractive place to part your hair! It elongates your face unnecessarily.

Stay tuned for part three and my favorite dresses of the night!

Emmy's Fashion Review

I had to watch the red carpet and the Broncos game at the same time this year. The game sucked, but I couldn't turn it off, kind of like an accident - you can't not look! Because of that I missed some dresses and actually had to watch the show, which was painful, but I did it. Just so I could see the dresses. :)

Let's start with the brights - Julie Bowen wore a fun highlighter bright dress. I liked it. I thought it was a daring color that she pulled off nicely. I think the top didn't fit her correctly, but the rest of the sort-of deconstructed gathers were fun and different. Her hair was a bit of a disaster, though. Messy and beachy and I didn't like it for this event.

Next up -Leslie Mann. Another dress I love. I think the mandarin color of the skirt is fabulous and I like the white/nude beaded top. I think if the dress was color up to the top it wouldn't be as successful. I also love the pairing of the chunky turquoise jewelry with it, although the designer of the dress didn't. Also - POCKETS!!! Love a dress with pockets.

I love the color and the ombre effect of Nancy O'Dell's dress, but I absolutely HATE the gold lightning strip that punctures it and holds it up. I think it's unnecessary. Also, I think Nancy needs to stop tanning so much.

I first saw Julianne Moore's dress from far away on the red carpet and just saw the top. I loved it. I thought it was one of those simple Calvin Klein jersey dresses and would just skim her body in a simple line to the floor, but in a totally funky fun color, which seems like an acid yellow/green. Then during the show I saw the rest. I'm not a fan. I think the two parts of the dress don't go together well. I don't like the high, high waist without any kind of interesting detail. I don't like the heavy-ness of the skirt with the long sleeves and high neck. I think it would be much more successful if it was all one fabric. But the color looks fabulous on her.

Padma Lakshmi's dress was a beautiful color and fit her stunning figure perfectly, but I think the overall effect is a little boring. There's no interesting jewelry or cool clutch. You can't even see her shoes. I think she could have done better.

Now for some of the most boring dresses. Christina Hendricks. Jeez. She needs some help dressing her body. And if somebody is helping her, they need to be fired. Her boobs were popping out of this thing. and it seemed too tight on her hips, like it was bunching weirdly when she wasn't standing exactly like this. (See the weird bubble right behind her clutch at her thigh.) And this has got to be one of the most boring non-colors ever. It's not that flattering on her. She's too pale to pull this off. Either she needs to be in saturated color or pure white, but this nude/silver color is not her friend. I do like the belt though.

Emily VanCamp here is wearing her grandma's dirty dishwater 100-year-old curtains. Girl, you are young and beautiful. Wear something that highlights those facts. Gauzy grey blah is not good enough.

Kristen Wiig obviously thought she was going to a different event. She's wearing what equates to a bridal nightgown and suede pumps that would look good at the office. The dress is too casual for this event and not a good (non) color for her. Boring. The length just adds to the not-right-ness. The shoes are not red carpet worthy, nor do they do anything for the dress/nightgown. Her hair is her normal boring regular. C'mon. You can do much better than this.

Stay tuned for more soon!

Review of "If I Stay" by Gayle Forman

Description from Goodreads:

In a single moment, everything changes. Seventeen-year-old Mia has no memory of the accident; she can only recall riding along the snow-wet Oregon road with her family. Then, in a blink, she finds herself watching as her own damaged body is taken from the wreck...
A sophisticated, layered, and heart-achingly beautiful story about the power of family and friends, the choices we all make, and the ultimate choice Mia commands.

I read this short little YA book yesterday and was so, so touched that I had to write a review of it. I had wanted to read this book for a while; it was on my to-read list forever, but for some reason I didn't download it until recently. (It was released in 2009) 

The premise of this book is a little strange for a book that is not other-worldly - Mia watches the aftermath of a devastating accident from outside her body. She follows herself as she is transported in the ambulance, the helicopter, as she undergoes surgery, as her family comes to her bedside in the ICU. But she's not completely tied to her body, she wanders around the hospital and can sit with her family in the waiting room or the hospital cafeteria and hear what they have to say.

One of the nurses watching over her tells her family, "Don't you doubt for a second that she can hear you. She's aware of everything that's going on. You might think that the doctors or nurses or all this is running the show. Nuh-uh. She's running the show. Maybe she's just biding her time. So you talk to her. You tell her to take all the time she needs, but to come on back. You're waiting for her." It's like the nurse knows that Mia is watching all of this and she's the one who has to decide if she wants to stay.

Moments in the hospital are interspersed with flashbacks to moments of Mia with her loved ones - her parents and grandparents, her cutie little brother Teddy, her best friend Kim, and her boyfriend Adam. These memories are how we really get to know Mia. It helps the reader understand why she might chose to stay or go. It's really heart wrenching.

I honestly cried throughout this whole book. I couldn't stop. It was really moving. One of the parts that made me cry a lot was when her usually taciturn grandfather is by her bedside in the hospital and he says to her, "It's okay. If you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my  life. But that's what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's okay if you have to leave us. It's okay if you want to stop fighting."

That's the really tough part about this kind of situation. You know you don't want the person to go, you want them here with you. You can't imagine your life without them. But you know their life will probably be easier if they go. To realize it, to admit it, to be willing to say goodbye is the hardest part for the ones left behind.

Another reason that I really appreciated this book is kind of weird. Though it's a little morbid, I've always  wondered what it would be like at my own funeral. How would my family and friends take it? What kind of funeral would I be given? Though this is not Mia's funeral, she watches how her family and friends react to her accident, her potential death. It's a similar premise. Very interesting.

I won't tell you how the book ends, what Mia decides, that's just too much of a spoiler. The end of the book is a little sudden, but generally well done. I would've been okay with it ending there, but there is a follow-up book, Where She Went. 

This one picks up about four years after the accident and is narrated by Mia's old boyfriend, Adam. It deals with the aftermath of Mia's accident and how he's dealt with it, how it's affected him. He's one screwed up guy. His head is a mess and it's difficult to read about him like that, when he seemed like such a strong guy in the first book. I think it's definitely worth it to read the second book. To know what's happened. This book also goes back and forth between present day and past memories, though they're all told from Adam's perspective this time. I think the author did a relatively good job of speaking in another narrator's voice. 

Though these books are Young Adult, they didn't completely feel like that. Some YA is cleaned up, not real-life enough, a little sanitary. These really aren't. Some of the characters have true-to-their-age conversations and thoughts, but the overall subject matter is much more than that - bigger, for all ages. The characters use curse words when appropriate to the situation. They say "fuck" or "shit" when a real person might use "fuck" or "shit". It makes it realistic. They are relatively short, easy reads. I read both of them in one day. But so, so good. I'll read them again after I've recovered from all the crying I did. :)

Ch...ch...ch...changes...

Lots of changes happening. Lots of changes. Some are sort-of okay. Some are seriously not okay. But I don't have control over it all, so I just have to roll with it right now.

First big change - I'm moving out of my apartment. It's definitely not my first choice, but it's what I have to do. My lease was up and when I got my renewal information, I saw they'd raised my rent. Again. I've lived here for three years and they've raised the rent every year, without making any significant improvements or changes. For example, since the day I moved in, my windows have been pieces of shit. I've complained and complained. Asked them to repair them, asked them to replace them. Other units have gotten new window, but never me. Not cool. In fact, I'm completely ghetto right now because I have a rolling pin holding open the window in my bedroom. Really. In addition to that, they cut down a bunch of 30+ year old trees a couple years ago and never planted anything new to take their place. Then, my complex was sold. The new owners got rid of all of the leasing staff that I had gotten to know pretty well over the past few years. The communication to residents became really sub-par. Even some of the maintenance people complained about the changes.

So, I don't really feel like paying more for the same old thing. Plus, with my job situation the way it is, I can't afford to pay more right now. I went in to the office to chat with them about moving to one of the larger one bedroom units. The unknown, unfriendly man was basically unwilling to find/make something work for me. My years of being a good resident meant absolutely nothing to this new guy working for the new owners. He told me that nothing was available, and even if something did become available, I'd have to pay a large transfer fee to change units. If that something became available before my current lease was over, I'd either have to pay to break my lease on my current unit, or pay the rent for both units until my current lease was over. I was shocked! You'd think they'd be more willing to work something out with a long-time, good resident. But, nooooo.

I told them I'd be moving out. I had no idea where I was going to go, but I definitely wasn't staying. I generally like the location of my apartment. It's really central to every place I go. And the rent is quite reasonable. Or at least it was.

Then John, the boss man, finalized his sabbatical plans. He's going to go to St. Lucia for the last three months of the year to "figure things out". He asked me to stay in his house while he's gone. Though my lease doesn't end until after he's already gone, I decided to go ahead and stay there. I won't have to pay rent for those couple months, though I will pay his utilities. I guess I'm just going to put all of my belongings into storage while I'm living there. Though, of course, I'm having trouble deciding what kind of storage option I want to use.

It will be interesting to live there. It's obviously much larger and much nicer than my current living arrangement. He's got a great kitchen, a big yard. But it's also a little like living in a museum. Some of his things are quite expensive and I don't want to touch them. Some of those expensive things are not exactly comfortable. I won't have cable tv there (eeekkk!), which will be incredibly difficult (ridiculous, I know). I know I can watch some shows on Hulu and dvds (he does have a tv). But I'm kind of a news junkie and watch numerous news shows every day - local news a couple times a day, the Today show, NBC Nightly News. Are any of those things available online? Live streaming of local news? And I often have the tv on just for noise while I'm doing other things. I know I could turn on the radio, but it's just not the same.

I have no idea where I'm going after that.

Not knowing, not having a plan is really difficult for me.

The other big change - and the most distressing one - is that with John going on sabbatical, I'm essentially losing my job. For almost six months I've been working part-time, but now my job will be going away almost completely. He told all of our clients that he's going away and that any big needs/projects to wait until he's back next year. He told me that while he's gone, he won't be able to sustain even the 16-20 hours per week I'm working now. He might need me to do a couple things now and then, but he thinks they can be accomplished in the evenings or on the weekend. (I'm not sure how that can work exactly if I'm trying to communicate/coordinate with people who work regular M-F, 9-5 jobs.) There is no guarantee that this job, this company will be available/around even when he comes back.

So, that's huge. I guess it's a good thing I won't have rent to pay for a couple months. But there are other bills that I need to pay. I need to have some income.

I've been looking for a different job for six months now. Originally, I was attempting to change careers, trying to get into the Recruiting field. It has proven very difficult. My Junior League experience doesn't mean anything or isn't enough to the people who want somebody with experience. But then my 14 years of career experience (even in a completely different field) makes me unattractive for entry-level jobs. Even when I know somebody, think I have an "in", it doesn't net me anything.

Because I haven't been able to make that work yet, I've also been looking for a different design job. And I haven't had much luck there, either. I'm trying all my contacts, all my connections, working all the angles. I always seem to be too late for the most promising options. Or, the options pay so little that I'm unwilling to commit to them. Yes, I realize that some money is better than no money, but it is so difficult to say yes to something that won't even completely pay the bills. I've got a few leads left that I'll work this week, but who knows.  I hope something comes up soon. I need something to come up soon.

There you have it. I don't know where I'm going to work. I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills. I don't know where I'm going to live. Lots of unknowns. Not fun for a control freak like me.

Supporting our President

"When it comes to the health of our families, Barack refused to listen to all those folks who told him to leave health reform for another day, another President. He didn't care that it wasn't the easy thing to do politically...He cared that it was the right thing to do. He did it because he believes that here in America, our grandparents should be able to afford their medicine, our kids should be able to see a doctor when they're sick, and no one in this country should ever go broke because of an accident or an illness. 

AND he believes that women are more than capable of making our own choices about our bodies and our healthcare. 

That's what my husband stands for."

-First Lady, Michelle Obama @ the Democratic National Convention, September 4, 2012


This is one of the main reasons why I support our President, Barack Obama. (extra emphasis is all mine)

Boy Bits - Part 2

This next part of my relationship story includes two guys; Steve, who based solely on our time spent together doesn't really warrant a post, and Jake*. But their stories are intertwined and both guys were instrumental in helping me realize my worth and proving to me that there are good guys out there who will treat you well. (I haven't changed Steve's name in this because I have absolutely no contact with him and haven't in many, many years. I also don't know anybody who is in contact with him, so I don't have any qualms about using his name and photos here.)

I couldn't remember who I met first so I found an old diary to refresh my memory. First came Jake.

It was my sophomore year of college and Brian was finally out of my life. I was loving life! I felt really good about myself for the first time ever. I had lost some weight my freshman year (probably one of the only girls to do so!) and had finally gotten contacts, so I actually felt like a cute girl. I loved my sorority sisters, loved living in the sorority house, and was having a fabulous time partying and being in-the-moment at college.

One night at an off-campus pre-party with all the sorority girls, one of our new pledges introduced me to her older brother, Jake, who was in town for the weekend. I was immediately attracted to him. Super nice and friendly, tall (super tall!), cute, blonde - I liked him instantly. We brought him with us to the fraternity party we were expected at - Labyrinth at Lambda Chi Alpha. It was always a huge party and we figured we could sneak in one non-Greek boy without too much trouble.

My sorority sisters and I had a lot of friends and boyfriends at Lambda Chi, which meant that we were guaranteed a good time and all the alcohol we wanted. And there was no question about it, this night I was drunk. Jake was a total gentleman. He stayed near me all night, made sure I was okay, kept me upright. We kissed a lot, but he wasn't overly touchy. A nice departure from the usual antics of the guys at these parties.

The Labyrinth is essentially an outdoor maze with the prize at the center being a keg. Jake and I wound our way through the maze, stopping in dark, dead-end corners to kiss. We finally happened upon a hole somebody had ripped in one of the walls that led directly to the center. The walls were made up of black trash bags fixed on a fence-like frame. (I feel I have to tell you this because of what happened next.) I was holding Jake's hands behind my back and plowed on through the hole in the wall without realizing there was the bottom rung of the fence frame to step over. Without my hands, I couldn't catch myself before falling face-first into the grass. I literally had grass in my teeth. Really. Quite attractive.

Somehow this mortifying, drunken fall didn't turn Jake completely off. He helped me up, cleaned me off, and even walked me home. We hung out, kissed some more, and exchanged phone numbers.

The next weekend I went down to Albuquerque to visit my BFF Bridget during UNM's Homecoming weekend. I went to classes with her and her boyfriend on Friday and met a lot of their friends. One of these friends was Steve. Oh, the holy hotness that was Steve. He was the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. At this point in my life, I thought that Steve was one of the best looking guys I had ever seen. Again, I felt an immediate attraction. In fact, I told Bridget I thought Steve was gorgeous and I stared at him throughout one of the classes we were all in together. But as cute as I felt I finally was, I thought Steve was most definitely out of my league. Turns out that Steve was actually the roommate of and a fraternity brother of Bridget's boyfriend, Chad, so she assured me that we'd be spending time with him while I was in town.

That first night we went to a few parties and I flirted with Steve when we saw him, but nothing more happened. The next day we all tailgated together before the football game. This is when I found out that Steve liked me as well! Though slightly disbelieving, I was ecstatic!

me, Steve & Bridget tailgating

After the game and the parties, Bridget and I went back with Chad and Steve to their apartment. This was when Steve made his interest in me really apparent and we finally got to spend some quality alone time with each other.

Steve made me feel like a goddess. He made me feel beautiful and wanted and worthy of being with somebody as gorgeous as I felt he was. I am well aware of all my flaws, but Steve made me feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life.

After being with Brian for so long - someone who did absolutely nothing for my self-esteem, who never complimented me, who made me feel like only his pleasure mattered - being with Steve was a serious breath of fresh air. He took his time with me and worshiped every inch of my body. He was silly and fun and sexy - sometimes all at the same time. He wanted me to stay with him that night, shower with him the next morning, spend every available minute with him. So I did. :)

The next day, we spent as much time together as possible. We lounged in bed, ate breakfast with Bridget and Chad, lounged in bed some more, watched a movie. When we left to get some lunch, Steve put his hand on the small of my back and called me "his girl". In the car, he ogled my legs beneath my short skirt. He made me feel pretty and desirable.

Late that afternoon, when we finally had to say goodbye - he had to go to his fraternity meeting and I had to catch my flight home - I felt like my heart was breaking. How could I like this guy so much in such a short amount of time? Now, of course, I can look back and say, "DUH! You liked him so much because he was actually nice to you." God, compared to how Brian treated me, this was like being a Princess!

Sometimes, a girl has what ends up being one of the most memorable kisses of her life. My goodbye kiss with Steve was one of these for me. Though the location left a lot to be desired (the parking lot between Steve's frat house and Bridget's sorority), the actual kiss made that all insignificant. Steve wrapped his arms around my waist and picked me up, squeezing all the air out of me. After he put me down, he took my face in his hands, and sweetly and passionately (how one kiss can be described as both is mind boggling) kissed me. I didn't want to say goodbye to him and ended up crying. He kissed away my tears and then lightly kissed my lips again. That is one of my favorite kiss memories ever.

Steve, looking pretty hot before his fraternity meeting

Bridget and Chad said they had never seen Steve act like this with a girl. He'd never been so attentive or so seemingly "into" a girl before. I was pleased that was that girl for him. But we would obviously have some struggles if we wanted to continue to see each other since we lived in different states.

I got back to Fort Collins, devastated about leaving Steve, but determined to work something out with him. We started a phone relationship and decided try the long-distance thing. I sent him care packages and we planned to see each other - him coming up to Fort Collins, me going down there, etc. But it was hard. And at the same time, I actually had Jake calling me, too. I wasn't sure I wanted to get involved with Jake after meeting Steve, but he was determined. And at least he was in the same state as me.

I started seeing Jake on weekends. Sometimes I'd go down to Denver, sometimes he'd come up to Fort Collins. I told him I was also seeing someone else - I wanted to be completely honest with him about Steve. He didn't like it, but he accepted it. Jake was very attentive. Sometimes too attentive. I wasn't used to that from a guy. He'd call all the time, he'd email, he wanted to see me a lot. I liked him, but it was almost too much in addition to how I felt about Steve.

But things weren't going all that great with Steve. The last straw was when he told me he wouldn't be spending Thanksgiving with me as we had planned. That was it for me and I decided it wasn't going to work. We hadn't seen each other since I had been in Albuquerque and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I had Jake, who wanted to see me, who wanted to spend time with me, who was available, and - most importantly - here. He liked me, I liked him. I owed it to myself (and him) to give it a go. I ended the "thing" with Steve and told Jake he was the only one.

Oddly, that's when I had another one of those most memorable kisses. Jake is super tall - like almost 15" taller than me, so sometimes kissing him was a bit of a logistical challenge. The night that I told him I was only seeing him, we were at my sorority house. He was standing, leaning against the wall between our formal living room and the stairs that went up to the mezzanine, where my bedroom was. His legs were splayed out and I stood between them. His stance put his face much closer to my height, which made kissing very comfortable for both of us. He was so happy when I told him, I could practically taste joy in our kiss. The happiness made it such a memorable kiss.

me & Jake at a CSU football game

When I look back on it, my relationship with Jake was essentially my first real relationship. Though I might consider Brian my first boyfriend, we didn't have a typical relationship. I had that with Jake. We spent lots of time together, we called each other boyfriend and girlfriend, we went on real dates, we gave each other cards and gifts, he wrote me my first love letter (I still have it!), we met each other's parents (my parents liked him, his parents liked me!), and we spent holidays together. He took me skiing for my first and only attempt at the sport (disaster!) and he taught me how to drive a stick shift on his beloved Jeep. He attended one of my sorority formals with me. He was the first guy I said "I love you" to and the first guy who said it to me.  We had a fun and mutually fulfilling sex life. He fit into my life well, got along with my friends, and was essentially a really good guy.

me & Jake at my sorority formal - holy shit I look SO young!
(trying to preserve some of his privacy by hiding his eyes)

But it didn't last. I'm not sure why. I know I can be high maintenance, and maybe that's what did us in. Or maybe we just weren't meant for each other. Or maybe our relationship just ran it's course. We were really young and had a lot of living left to do. So after a while, Jake wanted out. It was really, really hard for me to let him go. But I knew he would never be completely gone from my life. His sister, my sorority sister, had become a good friend. He and I worked in the same mall, just a few stores away from each other - me at Victoria's Secret, him at Structure - so we always saw each other there, too. That made getting over him tough.

To soothe my broken heart, I kissed a lot of other boys at parties. Some of them were inappropriate in that they had girlfriends, or multiple boys from the same fraternity - which really wasn't a good idea. But I thought it helped ease the hurt I felt, especially when I found out Jake was dating someone new. Eventually, after enough time passed, I felt ready to let Jake go. I know I didn't mean anything to him anymore and I needed to move on, too.

I did see Steve once more, the next time I visited Bridget in Albuquerque. It was after Jake and I had broken up and I was in my phase of kissing lots of boys. I ended up kissing a guy I had met the last time I was down there. Turns out Ryan was Steve's little brother in their fraternity. Oops. He knew who I was to Steve, but I didn't know who he was. Steve didn't like it. It was awkward and tense. But Steve was the one who screwed up with me, so I continued kissing Ryan just to make Steve jealous. He ended up blatantly ignoring me the rest of the weekend, even when I sat across the table from him at breakfast with Bridget and Chad. That was the last I ever saw of him. I have no idea what's happened in his life.

I learned a lot from my relationship with Jake. He was a good boyfriend and he treated me well. It helped me realize what I wanted in a relationship and how it felt to be loved. And I knew I wanted that again. I finally felt worthy of being loved.

Years later, after we had all graduated from college, Jake continued being included in my larger circle of friends. He would come to the parties my roommates and I had, and he and his friends were sometimes part of the large group of us that would go out together. Sometimes I thought this continued exposure to each other would end up with us getting back together, but that was never meant to be. This became especially evident when one New Year's Eve he kissed one of my roommates. They never became anything, but that was the most obvious way I could ever see that we were never getting back together, and I'm sure that was never even an actual thought in his head.

Though I don't see him anymore because I'm not really part of that group of friends and haven't been for years, we are Facebook friends. It's nice to see what's going on in his life. He seems really happy with his current girlfriend, and she seems like a good match for him. He is still one of the good guys and I wish him all the best.


Up Next - Zach, the boy I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.

After a While You Learn...

I found this poem in an old diary while reading up on my old relationships for my "boy bits" posts. I have no idea who wrote it because I stupidly didn't credit it in my diary, so I apologize for not knowing. I wrote it in there during an incredibly difficult time in my life, but I found it very touching even now and actually cried while reading it.


After a while you learn...
The subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn...
That love doesn't mean learning and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn...
That kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead;
With the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn...
That even sunshine burns if you ask too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn...
That you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.
And you learn...And you learn...
With every goodbye, you learn.